Cherie DeVille Reads Her DMs

Hello, my favorite internet dwellers! It’s your girl, Cherie DeVille, back again to bravely dive into the depths of my DMs. We’re talking about the kind, the bizarre, and the downright terrifying messages that land in my inbox. Because let’s be real—y’all never fail to keep things interesting.

If you follow me on Cherie DeVille X, Cherie DeVille Instagram, or even lurk on Cherie DeVille Reddit, you already know that my DMs are a wild ride. So, buckle up and grab a drink because today, we’re breaking down some of the most memorable messages I’ve received lately. Let’s get into it!

1. The Compliment That Took a Sharp Left Turn

"You are so beautiful and funny and hot that you made me rethink my decision of staying single for life. And then I remembered I have no chance with you… so maybe I don’t feel better about it. Maybe I don’t feel better at all. So thank you. Or…you?"

Whew. Okay. This started off so strong, my friend. A+ for effort. And then—boom! A full-speed crash into self-loathing and existential crisis.

Listen, buddy, take a deep breath. You’re not going to be single forever. I believe in you. And next time, maybe just stop at the compliment. We love confidence here.

2. The ‘Please Let Me Hold You’ Horror Movie Plot

"Hi Cherie, if you ever come to Japan, please let me hold you."

I mean, okay… that’s a little intense. But then, this individual decided to include a 😱 Sir. No. That single emoji just turned this from a sweet (albeit clingy) message into the opening scene of a psychological thriller. Hold me hostage? Hold me against my will? Suddenly, I’m concerned.

Let’s all take a moment to choose our emojis wisely, okay?

3. The Legally Questionable Offer

"Hi Cherie, I want you to know I’m willing to sign anything—ANY kind of papers at all—just to have dinner with you."

Sir. Any kind of papers?

A mortgage? A prenup? Adoption papers? A legally binding contract to sell your soul to me in exchange for some fettuccine Alfredo?

This is how people end up on true crime documentaries. Pick a lane, my dear sweet beautiful potentially very reckless human.

4. The Existential Crisis Over Knickers

"Hey Cherie, I love all your work and you’re such an amazing person. How do you wear things like knickers? Because I’m trying new things like wearing underwear, and I’m scared people will see it."

Wait… what? Are you… wearing them on the outside of your pants? Like a superhero? Because unless you’re Superman or launching a bold new fashion movement, I promise you—people are not checking to see if you have underwear on.

But hey, good for you for embracing new things! We love a self-improvement journey.

5. The ‘You Were Put on This Earth for Suspenders’ Revelation

"Hi darling stunning lady, you were put on this Earth to wear suspenders."

…Was I? Was that my cosmic purpose all along? Have I been failing the universe by not rocking a pair of suspenders this entire time?

Fine. You win. I’ll start wearing suspenders. Happy now?

6. The Full-Blown Emotional Meltdown

"Sorry, I hate you. You lie with your heart. I love only you, but you love dollars, not men. You are so guilty, and I hate you. You are not a woman; you are only a [redacted]. But I love you with my heart even though you destroy it. So please, please, please unfriend me so that you will leave. Otherwise, I will pray for death."

Sir.

Are you okay? This is a lot to unpack. This is the emotional equivalent of shaking up a can of soda and then opening it over a laptop keyboard. It’s messy, dramatic, and could have been avoided with a deep breath and maybe a therapy session.

Also, let’s just clarify—DMs are not friendships, and I don’t have a ‘friend’ button to unclick. You’re free, my guy. Breathe.

7. The Hannibal Lecter

"Hi Cherie, I love you. I wish I could eat you one day. I have no other wish."

…WHAT.

Sir, this is not a Nicholas Sparks movie. This is a one-way ticket to an FBI watchlist. If your message sounds like something from Silence of the Lambs, it’s time to reconsider your life choices.

No. Absolutely not.

Final Thoughts

Well, folks, there you have it—another week, another round of DMs that make me question humanity.

For those of you who send me normal, kind messages, I see you, I appreciate you, and you restore my faith in the internet. For everyone else… maybe take a second and ask yourself, Would I say this to a person’s face in real life? If the answer is no, perhaps… don’t send it.

Want to see more of my adventures in DM reading? Be sure to follow me on Cherie DeVille X, Cherie DeVille Instagram, and check out Cherie DeVille Reddit for all the latest and greatest (and weirdest) moments.

Until next time—stay sane, stay safe, and for the love of all things good, stop sending cannibalistic love notes.

XOXO, Cherie